Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Coming to terms with failure

I wish I could get mad when I need to. I'd like to be the kind of person who can just blow up in the right situation. Yesterday I encountered an "attack" of sorts that made me realize I never get angry when I should. I was walking down a crowded hallway at school on my way out. Suddenly I saw one boy maliciously shove his friend directly into me. This is not an exaggeration. I literally watched this boy shove him AT me. Luckily the shovee was an athletic looking boy and agile enough to catch himself, only bumping me a little. However, I was completely prepared for this human object to knock right into me. I had my eyes squeezed closed and my arms out in defense. I ended up getting smacked into the lockers next to me. In complete survival mode, I mentally checked all of my bones and internal organs for damage. I got the green light and continued to walk on by even as a few people around looked at me in shock. It wasn't until I was at the end of the hallway that I realized that this was no innocent occurrence. I saw the look on that boy's face. He was trying to push his friend into ME. I was pretty sure he didn't intend to hurt me but probably just embarrass his friend. Still. Five minutes too late, I was angry as hell. I briefly considered turning around and yelling at that boy. "WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!!?" Maybe I would even punch him just so he knew how I felt. I realized I had no idea who this boy was or what he looked like. What was I going to do? Go yell at every black boy in a blue sweat shirt until I got a good reaction? Not a good idea. Besides, I'm not even sure if I'm capable of such a thing. You know, exacting revenge on a stranger. This might be the trait I like least about myself. Why can't I yell at some boy who just caused great trauma in my life? I should probably watch some more Bad Girls Club if I ever want to be a real bad ass bitch.

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